Four Patterns That Destroy Oneness

Scott Stanley in his book “A Lasting Promise” identifies four negative patterns of relating that can destroy a relationship.

Many couples ask,“Why focus on the negative? Why not just build the good things in our relationship?” Stanley responds by saying that research shows, “It’s the presence of certain negative patterns that can destroy a relationship. Therefore, if you can eliminate or keep to a minimum some key negative patterns, the positive things in your relationship can blossom and grow.”

ESCALATION

• Occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile.

• Negative comments spiral into increasing anger and frustration.

• Partners try to hurt each other by hurling verbal and sometimes physical weapons.

• Hurtful remarks usually focus on the immediate goal of piercing the other as a way to protect oneself.

Invalidations- Put Downs

• Is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other.

• It’s an attack on character.

• Jesus taught strongly against such attacks on the character of another.

• We want to hear encouraging words.

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